I woke up to the massacre in Las Vegas, I am deeply saddened, I am trying to make sense of the senseless

  I woke up to the massacre in Las Vegas, I am deeply saddened as I am sure millions of other people throughout the world, the worst part of it is I feel helpless. I don't know what I can do to make things better, or at the very least a little more OK, today nothing is OK in my mind. I want to blame someone, I want to point to someone and scream at the top of my lungs "It's you! It's your fault!" Who can we blame, is there blame to place, is someone at fault?

The new image of unreasonability, we need to get control of the anger somehow.

  I want to leave the country, I applied to immigrate to Canada (last December) I was rejected because I am disabled and do not have "gainful" employment. I am one of those people who are restless, I have been my entire life, there is something more to see and do always, I want to see what is just over there, I will be right back. I told my mom and dad that in 1969, I left and never went home except for short visits, in hindsight I should never have left probably. The same today, I have to stay and figure out how to be a positive influence and do my part to make things better, somehow.
  I have been critical in the past of people doing just that, refugees fleeing their home countries due to civil war or other events causing them to run for their lives. My criticisms were directed at them in part due to I could not imagine someone running away and not staying to help fight or rebuild, who are these people? Well, today I understand, I just feel like running somewhere and burying my head in a deep dark cave, there is a point when escape feels as if it's the answer to the problems of the world. It is not, we are all in this great big boat together, the answer is to grab an oar and start paddling, we have to get this thing back on the road, or water. Today all of my attention is on the horrible tragedy in Las Vegas, it is a numbing feeling, the words "the worst mass shooting in American history". I hope it does not inspire copy cat's or worse yet to come.
  As I am writing this very little is known of the guy behind the trigger, he was an old white guy, I'm an old white guy, he has a mustache, so do I, I saw his picture this morning and my initial thought was, "we do all look alike". Grey hair, tired looking, facial hair and born in America. We do not know what his motivation was, he appears to have had a good life, better than average, however, there must be some demons hiding somewhere in the attic. I have no idea what to say about this guy, but I do have some insight of what old white guys think about after retirement.
  I have heard my entire life, I am fairly confident it is a widely known saying "your life flashes before your eyes before you die." It does, but it happens over a very long time after I stopped working my mind starting working overtime. During that process I examined every memory I was able to conjure up, forcing guilt feelings about things I did when I was 12 years old for crying out loud. All the questions that I asked, with few answered, after all, anything that happened and are older than 20 years should be locked away, the only stuff we should debate in our own minds is the good times. I am very lucky, I had and continue to have a good life, and man for the past two month's I have been counting my blessings, I am extremely fortunate. As I was eating dinner tonight my thought's went to Florida and Puerto Rico, there are people still without food and limited water. However when an old guy wakes up at 3 in the morning and starts thinking, "I should have done this, or that instead of this or that." Questions such as "what would life have been like if I had not done this or whatever." It is worsened if a person has medical problems and is on medication, it is easy to enter a self-made bubble and examine his entire life. (I'm only talking about old men, I'm smart enough and old enough to admit I can not and do not know how women think, although I suspect it's similar.) The dissection of 65 years of life is not healthy, and it is difficult not to do.

Buddha said we should live moment to moment, yes we should,
it's easier to say than to do

Buddha said we must live for the moment, yes we should, it is easier to say than to do, the past is past. Yes, it is, leave the past alone, until you don't work any longer than open the gate and let the anxiety, guilt, and decade's old activities begin to run amok in your mind. It's not OK to do that, we need to let the past be in the past, we don't, instead, we go on a self-diagnosis that has little grounds in reality. It took me 5 years, luckily I did not get bitter or unmanageable, I had made a promise to my wife and myself I would not become a bitter old man, I have kept my promise except for one encounter, and of course, it was one subject of the review of my life. I was having medical exams for exposure to agent orange during the Vietnam War, (I am affected by it, I'm a "Blue Water Sailor"), a nurse was scheduled to perform an EKG, I always fail them. Well, she was late by 15 minutes, old Jacques didn't like that, I complained to her, then after I apologized she told me I wasn't as bad as I thought I was. That was not the point, I let my self and more than that my wife down, and the good nurse did not deserve a disparaging word from me. My cover as a "not nasty" old white guy was blown, in those few seconds I became one, the incident, as you have guessed, became the subject of a late night examination, because you know that's what I do.
  I'm not sure why I (we I suspect most old guy's do it), do that, perhaps at least part of it has to do with working so hard for so many years then stopping. For my part I have had some of the most dangerous jobs there are, I worked on the flight deck of an Aircraft Carrier, well drilling crew, Ironworker, and Millwright, intense dangerous jobs, and when it stopped so did the adrenaline, and due to the pain, I was on painkillers. (I stopped taking them in short order) I mention all of this because I am around the same age as the homicidal maniac behind the guns, I wonder if going 100 miles per hour for 45 years working, then suddenly stopping has something to do with committing an unimaginable crime like the one in Las Vegas. I may be on to something, I am sure not all old guys go through this, I am willing to bet a good portion of us do, however. I think it did happen to me, but I turned it into a positive versus a negative, I knew I did not want to become bitter and dissatisfied with life, so I made a change. 7 ways to re-invent yourself link.
  It was needed for my self-preservation I felt I was going nuts, especially being ill and stuck in a laid-back chair reading endlessly about European History. I have always been interested in internet commerce, so I taught my self how to create a website, form a business, do SEO (optimization), learned about all of the social media sites and most importantly I began blogging, I really enjoy writing. I started the regiment on October 1, 2016, and I have been grinding along ever since I am sure it has helped my sanity. I did the same thing just before I became disabled, I knew my work life was coming to an end, walking is a big part of the professions I worked in. I took music lessons and learned to play Classical Guitar, I am not musical in any stretch of the word, it took me 5 years to get the beat, here I am 10 years later, I play the guitar, ukulele, and banjo, I'm working on the Mandoline.  (with little success)

Now I know what my dog thinks.

  I wonder if the old white guy at fault for the deaths of 59 good people took a drastically wrong turn while going through the same "life flashes before your eyes" experience I went through. I simply do not know, I do know I am desperately trying to understand how someone could possibly react in that manner. I do believe there is a connection between bitterness and complete moral, and ethical breakdown with crabbiness and general dissatisfaction with the "way things are going."
  I am not attempting to make excuses for this guy in the least, I am trying to understand, what in the world could possibly make a guy react like this? Is it the same thing that convinces men to pick up rattlesnakes causing them to suffer a severe bite if they don't know what they are doing? I don't see older ladies committing mass executions, do you? I see mostly old and young men committing these atrocities on our "civilization", as it is.
  No, I don't pretend to understand, I can't explain it, I can't accept it in any way shape or form, I am sure I stand with many many other people. My emotional bank account is in the overdraft section of the statement now, my compassion is wildly out of control, I woke up off and on last night thinking of the Kids in Puerto Rico, and woke up to this tragedy, just when I thought maybe things were starting to get better in that far off island. Then the next event happened practically in my own backyard, Las Vegas, unfortunately, what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas.
  Thanks for reading and sharing, I appreciate all of you people and all of your opinions, you are all part of my second life, unfortunately so are these unbelievable tragedies. I would suggest if you are in a self-examination point in your life, if you feel bitter and angry, re-invent your self, if you want some help which direction to head first just ask me, I made it through, unlike the deplorable gunman and his 59 innocent victims, I hope there is a special place in hell for him.  Murder dozens of people then commit suicide, what a coward.

jacquesandkate  emergencykitsplus.com